So I don't want to complain about anything.
I have shared things about my health over the course of the past fifteen years (fifteen years!) of this blog, as well as the book that preceded it in 2010. The book is the source of the name of my peculiar "space" on the internet. There's no small irony in this name.
I write, record quotations, and do artistic projects here. Everything is rough and provisional. Perhaps this is all I can accomplish with my talents and efforts in this life. It's becoming more of a strain to write, or to express what I want to say. Even reading is getting harder. I've always been able to read. Now, it seems to tire me out too easily.
Meanwhile, I feel bombarded with more and more of the noise of (mostly useless) pseudo-analysis and arguments about everything. It's hard to keep up with what matters, what falls within the range of my responsibility in the world around me. In civil society, as "things fall apart" more rapidly and extensively every day, I cannot escape the obscurity and sorrow that fill the atmosphere like dense clouds.
And now the frozen air of January has arrived with rage, and here in Virginia we are frozen into our homes. I'm no longer able to deal with the cold. I can't take my beloved walks. The cold cripples me. And the electric space heaters in our drafty house struggle in these temperatures.
What concerns me most is that it sometimes seems like my mind is beginning to fail me (I should say, that part of my mind that didn't already break down years ago). Perhaps God wills to permit me to endure a further affliction that will leave me powerless. Thus I might experience more concretely the fact that my value as a person depends entirely on God's love.
It's would be very hard to endure such a thing. But I'm not going to worry about that; as long as I'm able, I'll continue to write and study, seek to understand others and share their burdens in solidarity, pray from the heart for those who suffer all the inscrutable agonies that sin brings down upon the world, try to "teach" and mentor the younger generations as best I can, and - also - rest more and worry less: be grateful for my beloved wife who is so precious to me; love and appreciate and pray for the needs of our grown-up kids; watch the grandchildren play, or read to them, or gaze in wonder at their new faces.
I'm so grateful. I'm also often in pain and very tired. Please pray for me.
