Saturday, April 30, 2016

I'm Frustrated Because I'm Trying to Measure Myself

I often write about my struggles with discouragement and frustration.

I have an image of what I'm supposed to be, and I feel defeated because I don't live up to it. It is only human to have goals and aspirations. But I am trying to measure myself. That is the basis of my frustration.

To whom do I belong? Do I belong to myself? Am I defined by my own project, my ideas and my conception of what it means to love God, to be a good man, a good husband and father, teacher and writer, a coherent witness to Jesus, to the Gospel, a defender of the dignity of the human person? How do I stand in relation to my project? I am a failure.

But I need to remember, again and again, that I am not alone.

The fact is, I don't really know who I am. I don't know what God's will is for me. I don't know the depths of my own self-deception, or the wounds that I've caused by my sins.

I don't know what needs to be healed.

But Jesus is here. Jesus is present. What matters is to love Him, right now.

I must abandon everything to the merciful and compassionate Heart of Jesus, my Crucified and Risen Lord, who loves me.

He asks for my love all day, often in simple things that I would rather ignore. I pray that I might recognize Him and be drawn to Him.

I need salvation. I need Him.

Lord, give me this prayer, this aching awareness of my vital, desperate need for You. I thirst and You are a fountain of living waters. Remind me to open my mouth!

Come, Lord Jesus. Come into my life! Take the whole mess of my life and transform me.

I belong to You.

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