Wednesday, April 20, 2011

My Trust is in Him

Lord, I am a troubled soul.

All my life, as far back as I can remember, I have searched for Truth, and I have longed to find certainty. I have also pursued comfort and the satisfaction of my own petty desires.

I am a divided man.

All my life, I have wrestled with doubt. Not doubt about You, O Lord, but doubt about myself. I believe in Your promises, Your power, Your love for me. But do I want You, O Lord? Do I really want You more than anything else? Do I really love the Truth more than myself? I know that You deserve my confidence. I know that You are trustworthy. But I do not trust myself. How can I trust the whimsical thing that I am?

I cannot trust myself.

Where am I to go? For most of my life, and through most of my days, I have wasted my energy searching for some rock inside myself that I can stand on. I have stumbled from one precipice to another. I have found no security, no certainty, inside myself. Lord, I don't know how to approach You without playing some sort of game.

I want You, but....

I like my life. I want stuff for myself. I want security in my relationship with You, and then "space" to follow my own whims and chase after all the silly things that I think will make me happy.

So I am always trying to bargain with You. I do not try to please You. I try to please myself without displeasing You. But this is not what I want. I want to love You. I want to change but I do not know how.

"Little John, you always forget. You cannot do it yourself. You cannot find any security inside yourself. You cannot find anything inside yourself. There is no rock inside of you. I am your Rock.

"That is why I came. That is why I died on the Cross. You know that, but you are living through the painful process of it becoming concrete in your life. 

"You want Me because I AM DRAWING YOU TO ME. I have suffered the whole mystery of your life. I know you. Do not be afraid of your pettiness. I know what you need, when you need it, and how you need it. Do not worry about trusting yourself. Trust in Me.

"So you are bargaining with Me? Well, I am not bargaining with you. I have accepted you totally. I have embraced you completely in My sufferings.

"You must trust in Me. I know your heart. I know your desire. I have placed that desire in your heart. Ask. Ask that your desire might increase. You do not know how to change? I am already changing you. Ask Me to change you more.

"I am Mercy. I have come to save you. Do not be absorbed in yourself anymore. Turn to Me.