Monday, April 30, 2012

Do I Belong To Myself?

I am frustrated with myself. I don't have the energy to expand the scope of my work. Why not? What is it that afflicts me? My daily work seems to be to gather myself together and live like a man. It is such a struggle just to live every day and not fall into a hole. But I am doing it. Every day is a little victory.

And I write a few words. I chip away at the work of communication. Such is my charism, but how is it meant to grow? When I write, I just say the same thing over and over again. Well, perhaps its something that needs to be heard.

But I've had so much education, so much experience, so much cultivation of mind. I have been gifted in so many ways. Can't I be more useful, more productive?

But these are not the right questions. I have an image of what I'm supposed to be, and I feel defeated because I don't live up to it. It is only human to have goals and aspirations. But I am trying to measure myself. That is the basis of my frustration.

Who do I belong to? Do I belong to myself? Am I defined by my own project (and it's a worthy project: bearing witness to the Gospel and the dignity of the human person)? How do I stand in relation to my project? I am a failure.

But I need to remember, again and again, that I am not alone.

The fact is, I don't really know who I am. I don't know what God's will is for me. I don't know the depths of my own self-deception, or the wounds that I've caused by my sins.

I don't know what needs to be healed.

But Jesus is here. Jesus is present. What matters is to love Him, right now.

I must abandon everything to the merciful and compassionate Heart of Jesus, my Crucified and Risen Lord, who loves me.

He asks for my love all day, often in simple things that I would rather ignore. I pray that I might recognize Him and be drawn to Him.

I need salvation. I need Him.

Come, Lord Jesus.

Come into my life! Take the whole mess of my life and transform me.

I belong to You.