Thursday, April 26, 2012

Why Am I Afraid?

Dear Mother Mary,
When I say Totus Tuus,
I know I'm holding back.

You give birth to Jesus in my life.
Through you, I learn to live as His brother.
Through you,
The Word becomes flesh in my life.
Through you comes my salvation,
and my healing.
I am "totally yours"
but I am afraid, even still.

You are my merciful Mother.
I am in the folds of your mantle,
and the crossing of your arms.
And I know your tenderness.
Why am I afraid?
Jesus is here.
Why am I afraid?

Is it because I have been hurt in life,
lashed and torn,
Life seems to attack me sometimes
and I am powerless to defend myself.
Life is hard
and I am afraid of the pain.

I know it is not entirely my fault.

But I cannot deny my fault is there,
and that I fight God's grace,
contesting every inch of ground.
This causes me sorrow,
that I struggle against my own healing.

Still I come to you, my Mother,
I come as your petulant,
complicated, quarrelsome son.
With all my objections
and all my resistance
and all my fear,
I come to you.
I ask you to embrace my life
in your maternal heart
and nurture me in your patience.

Please bring me to Jesus.
Please give me confidence.
Please bring me healing.
Please obtain for me the grace of the Holy Spirit
to renew my life,
to change what needs changing in my life.

I am totally yours
and all that I have is yours
including my weakness
and my resistance (if that makes any sense,
and I think that it does).

I pray for joy.
I pray to be free from fear.
I pray for conversion.
I pray for healing.

Jesus is here. Deepen my trust in Him.